Breaking the Spell

Why do I give my power over to anyone else? I have done that repeatedly. Sometimes, I win, like with LOML. Other times, it turns out to be to my detriment. Just because someone is louder, brassier, than anyone else, doesn't make them perfect. The "Up on a Pedestal" syndrome. When UOAP shows their ass in any way, that pedestal crumbles into an embarrassing heap. And in my co-dependent way, I cover for them, try to make amends as if it's my fault, or shut them out completely.

Embarrassment. That's an interesting emotion. For many it's momenetary, they have the aplomb to brush it off and make it look like they meant it. Like a cat hitting the slding glass door. Sneering embarrassment.

Others flush and stammer. Calling more attention to the faux pas than needed. Who won't forgive themselves until they have ingratiated themselves to an annoying degree. Annoying embarrassment.

Why should I take responsibility for another person's travails? Why am I embarrassed that I am ok, that my life is clicking along just fine, thank you. That baby steps toward my goals work perfectly well. Why am I embarrassed to be me?

I made a comment at a retreaat recently, "When I was younger, I was loud and obnoxious." Newly Pierced Nose snorted at me. We are at opposites ends of the spectrum - any spectrum - but I have an appreciation of her that surprised me - due to the fact that I had given my power over to some third party.

But now I think, this power thing - could it be abuse? to abuse one's power, to "chew up and spit" another person out in public? To openly say, "trust me, you're gonna fuck up?"

If I choose to give my power over to someone else, that does assure my failure. If I choose to make some of my own mistakes, to revisit earlier issues from my point of view, if I make MY own choice, then , yes, it is my failure - or success.

Is that what makes you so angry and bitter now?