The Innate Goodness on Man

OK, I had started out this entry as "Trying not to pout" because I had lost my wallet today. But we have a happy ending - so fuck you, all you cynics!

So, we join our Cheerleader having lost her wallet while working for the Food Cult -

DAMNDAMNDAMN! And it was my own fault. Gleaning today, set the item in question on the front fender of the substitute gleaner. Tallied up, and that was the last I saw of it.

I had driven several blocks thinking that I should be an adult and go back to the bread store to ask. I pulled into the parking lot, walked around in the rain, asked the ladies in the store if they had seen it. They took my name and number with hopes and promises.

I get to Shed Central. Ask the Sub. Unload, fret, keep a lid on myself, fret some more. Not much I needed to glean, so I took some garbage and left to look around the back way of the bread store.

Got to SGF's house bemoaning my hapless fate. Called the bank to cancel my debit card. The facade dropped. Whined. Went home.

Whined some more. Called Himself - probably much earlier in the story than now. Had to figure out which one of the bazillion credit cards we have was I actullay carrying. Cancelled it. Decided to go back and check a back road from the bread store. Made the Girl put a shirt on, then made her cry.

Drove over. No good. Got distressed. Called DMV to find out how to replace my driver's license (You need a picture id or be willing to wait 60 days). Called the Library to find out how to replace our library cards (you need picture ID - refer to DMV section.)

Misterpher and I were in the dungeon. He was writing thank you notes, I was a-blogging. "Mama, I think I hear the doorbell."

OK, we went upstairs and there stood a nice Hispanic couple with my wallet and my ID (to prove I am me). I felt like Ed McMahon just offered me a check. I grabbed my heart and almost burst into tears. I knew they have been through my wallet because it was better put together in their hands than when it is in my possession. But it was all there. Even the four one dollar bills.

I can offer them nothing but my thanks and blessings.

Sure the adventure means I need to buy a new day runner and that I have to wait two weeks for a new bank card. But at least I have my id, Misterpher's first library card and my faith in humanity.

Monday, Monday

What with WJ back from balmy climes, I can now restart any fiendish projects concerning the "womanly arts." It was nice that she called just to check in with me. Not that I nee to knwo her every move, but I indulge in "check in " calls myself. Whether anyone answers or not, it is nice to hear that someone out there gives a damn about you.

So my project list is long and it all has the same deadline: Tomorrow. I have just comepleted another scathingly brilliant and witty article for Natural Family Online. It was due Tuesday. But it seems with the publishers having illness running rampant in her family and she'll be moving from the right coast to the left coast soon, she won't be able to get the website updated when she wants. So that puts me a month ahead on that project. Woo-effing-hoo!

Now I have to put together a powerpoint presentation for the parent meeting for tomorrow night. It'll be about parents and what they do in the classroom. I don't have a reprieve on this one though. So it'll be tv day for the kids.

Who say's TV isn't educational? The Girl is learning her way around the remote. She knows how to pause and play! Laying the foundation for future couch potato skills.

I also need to put together flyers for next month's Sunrise night. I have most of that done. Still need to make the four cut version happen. Then Himself will make copies for me and I can pass them on to the restaurant.

I must say, Saturday night we MADE money. We paid the featured more than she expected and that's a good thing. Our intermediate dancers got paid too. And that's another good thing.

Samira was saying that after January's Danger Monkey fiasco, she would pack it all up if February tanked. We didn't and she is still in the game. So there.

So with a feeling of gand accomplishment, I must pry the Girl off the couch and get her to put ion her shirt so we can pick up the newly 6yo Misterpher and girls.

Lazy Sunday

Himself is at rehearsal. His director has decreed that rehearsals shall run longer due to Himself saying he is not available Friday and Saturday. With the show going up in a couple of weeks, I can see why they want to work as much as possible to make it run right.

That's the thing about comedies. Ya gotta work 'em hard to make them work at all.

So, Himself and I had a bathroom conversation (seems that' the only place we can complete any chat), and we agreed that to get him home earlier during the week (he wakes up for work at 4 most days) that we can give up the Fri/Sat. It may mean the squids and I go out or inflict ourselves on unsuspecting friends, but theatre is what we do now. We gotta do it right.

Kabloey is working on homework. "Look Ma, no tears!" Misterpher is working on thank you notes. "Look Ma, two done!" And the Girl is working it. "Look Ma, no shirt!"

I'm pounding away on trivial things on the computer. Just how many recipes does a body need? I have a flyer for Laughing Women set. A few updates to the Co-op website to do. And an article about DIY herbs and natural healing due. OH! And a presentation for the parents due.

Welp, I guess I oughta get my self in gear and tackle the laundry.

So we had an overall good day

Misterpher has some large hair up his butt, but mostly the day weny well. Kabloey played his last basketball game and lost, but as we were driving to the trophy feed he said he wanted to play again next year.

Belly dancing gig went well. Manon (yeah, I know she's hot), the amazing 11th-hour Sabine and Sierra dance. The Girl suited up, looked cute and then bailed. *sigh* Oh well, she can try again. that's what happens when your mom helps run the event - you get another shot.

So for lack of better material to use, here are some knitting blogs and websites. Thanks to the KnftyKnitters yahoo group for supplying these. Lord knows I'd never have thought to look for 'em:

http://youknitwhat.blogspot.com/
http://www.dinaladina.blogspot.com/
http://www.threadbared.com/
http://whatnottocrochet.wordpress.com/
http://www.yumlum.com/galleries/knitwear/knitwear_art.htm

So, now I have to focus on the Goins Gala Soiree and Greek Food Fix. I have already confirmed Zaphara to dance for my borthday. Woo-hoo!

Top of the Rollercoaster to Ya!

In a nutshell.

The hand mixer car has a gremlin in it that can sense when we are about to receive money. It blew the head gasket yesterday. Mechanic said, "Just buy a new one." Which for us means buying a car that was built any year before Kabloey was born (1996).

After days of checking our tax refund status, was told it would be next week. Fine.

Received a mysterious check in the mail. Called NJ late in the afternoon - which is midnight there - to see what is going on. No satisfaction.

Girl wakes up at 5:fucking thirty this morning asking for clothes. In my best nighttime parenting voice, I said, "You are never going to sleep without clothes again!" Couldn't go back to sleep. Realized that butt crack dawn in Seattle was tea time in Jersey.

Talked to Heather in Title ("How did you get this number?" "I pulled it outta my back pocket.") who sent me to Marvin in Customer Service (he really needed his morning java) who sent me to Ralph (we has his number yesterday but he never answered the phone). Ralph is a soft-spoken (turn the phone up to MAX) accountant type who talked/emailed to some faceless check requester to confirm that the mysterious check is in fact legitimate.

I'm taking the family to breakfast! And the Hand Mixer (note the capitalization, a sure sign of a elevation of esteem) will be fixed to putter again!

Take *that*, VOA!

Now What Do I Do?

Kids are asleep and Himself is at Rehearsal. So I'm catching up on emails. And blogging.

I've had a couple of extremely cranky days recently. Seems the Squids have found which buttons to push to open my skin up and crawl right under.

Hey, maybe you guys out there can answer this. I get the feeling it's a "duh" sort of question, though. What is the effing deal with butts and farts with boys?! Even though, now the Girl is piping in with her fart-fart adjectives.

Burping I get. It's funny. Misterpher has the ability to gulp air and burp at will. Or at anyone for that matter. Frankly, I envy that skill. Along with Architect's son being able to make a farting sound using his hand in his armpit. ("You see, you gotta sweat some, but then let it dry a bit." Ew.)

Penises, yup, I get that too. But I am so over the farting in a room - I mean really letting the SBD rip - and finding it hugely funny to watch your close family members asphyxiate on the Play-doh stained carpet.

Interruptions are pissing me off. OH! And the Girl took some scissors and cut some yarn I was saving for a project. Not even the beer I had at lunch saved me. *sigh*

And THEN to top it all off, Himself comes home early, hugs me and says he's been thinking of me all day!

"What have you thought about me?"

"That I love you, would be lost without you and..." - my guilty conscience has blocked the rest of the niceties out. That stinker. How dare he love me even though I am being a total bitch! He's got enough pearls in his crown in heaven. Is he going for diamonds now?!

Yeesh, now I gotta get over myself and be nice to everyone.

Man.

Dentist Day

Yes, I had a bad experience with a dentist some time ago. That and the fact that no dentist can replace my Dr. Bob. He was a family friend but so cute. Complete with the wisp of salt and pepper hair that alwys fell over his forehead. *sigh* Oh well.

We got our current dentist after Himself had been laid off and we were receiving aid. This guy, Dang (that's his real name), is cool. But I still have to remind him that I am not able to answer his lovely conversation satarting questions when he has three tools, four hoses and both his hands in my mouth.

They moved to a new office that has a tv in almost every room. It was the first time Girl sat through an exam. And Misterpher and Kabloey sat in on everyone's exams too.

Amazing what the Incredible Brain Sucker can do.

Let's hope there's something really good on when Misterpher goes back in two weeks for a filling.

Cheerleader Interrupted

No, no, nothing drastically wrong. I just can't seem to do anything without an i - see it happened again. Without interruption. Sleep last night? Well, I am a bit congested so waking up with dry mouth, then Girl asking for water or kicking me in the kidneys or Kabloey or Misterpher getting in bed, and waking up with popsicle toes because the already two sets of sheets on my bed (Himself and I each have our own set) was still not enough to cover the five, yes five, people in bed. And then throw in that family gene in which Himself and the Boys cocoon/burrito them selves in blankets thereby making it impossible for anyone else to - ah, another interruption. So the guys wrap themselves up so that there is no loose flap to grapple with.

Himself has got himself a hell of a sty. At least that's what I think it is. (Interruption #3) It's not pink eye. That doesn't make your eyelid swell. Hmmm, maybe I should. Anyway, a call in to the groovy doctor at nine.

Kabloey is doing homework and being emotional. I don't see why doing it right the first time is so bad.

Snow day on Valentine's (interruption #4) Day (#5) gave us a two-hour delay. But not for gleaning. Thankfully, SGF took all the kids, including Drama Princess, into her house and car. Thanks!

I let the kids play in the snow before they had to be dry for school. (#6) They went over to the school district lawn with the great sledding slope. A bunny class slop to be sure, but it does run into the street, that is if you are able to maneuver past the large rocks. So maybe its category rises to "Hair-puller" (#7) if we make it that far.

A classmate of Kabloey's lives on the other side of the lawn. His folks were out there too when I came out to check in with the kids. I took my obligatory "Big girl on a plastic sled" ride. Pretty fun, but my launch required some addition un-mittened pushing.

Mind you, I was just planning (#8) on running out (#9) and calling out, then returning. So no coat, scarf, or other weatherly protections. So I wasn't soaking by the time I got back to the house, but cold would definitely be the right word.

After dropping all the kids off, I gleaned. They had to call in reinforcement, since my partner was snowbound and not able to get out due to the school delay. So a member of "leadership" came with her two kids. We unloaded the bread from the store in 30 minutes. Drove back to the shed.

Leadership unloaded her car and pretty much had to bug out after that, since she had her two children with her. TOPS run members had a big run to unload so I pretty much had to unload my car myself.

TOPS run left one of theirs behind for their other run in hopes that she would help me. Nope, she focused on her stuff and talked incessantly to herself. That's ok, she probably wouldn't have been amenable to loading up baskets of bread and lugging them in for me to unload and arrange anyway.

The great about about someone who talked to themselves is that they are not expecting a response from me nor baiting me with theological points. So, yeah, I was a mess when I got done, but my brain wasn't frazzled.

Spent the evening PMS'ing and terrorizing those near to me.

Thursday saw me and the Girl at SFG's house all day with breaks for driving to school to pick up and connect with various people. I brought my sewing machine with me - just in case. The morning I spent yakking and watching "that boy" have a rough morning. It also saw me score my first portrait from the Girl. "Mama with Yellow Forehead." I (#10) will scan it when the 'puter components are working together.

The afternoon was spent actually doing some mending. I am wearing my jammy pants again. Woo-hoo! I hope the clothes I fixed for the squids still fits them.

Seems I am more productive out of my natural habitat. Must be that the squids have someone else to talk to, other than me, better/different toys to play with, some other child to harrass. Thereby, leaving me alone to accomplish something I want/need to get done. Hmmmm.

So now we are at Friday and everyone is home. Mid-winter break and day off. Himself will be camping out at the doc's office for his eye, I am grabbing what little uninterrupted time I can to finish computer stuff. I have a massage appt at 1, dentist with the family at 3. Himself has last day of baseball tryouts at 5 or 6, then has to put his team together.

We'll probably eat on the leftovers including the frilly pizza I gleaned yesterday. I'm sure it'll be movie night for us. Kabloey wants to finish his homework. But since he flew into a crying fit over my not too clear on the concept ignorance, he's taking a break.

So we'll stay warm and keep a tissue in our hands.

Until next time.

Happy Valentine's Day

Woke up to Himself's face inches from mine. He kisses me and whispered, "It snowed. I won't set the alarm. I'll call you at 7:30 with the school news."

Harbinger of Spring

The weather here in Rainland had been nice enough for three, count 'em three, days in a row that I finally got motivated enough to set up the clothesline for the outdoor drying season. Of course, as soon as I left the house after hanging two loads of wash out, it clouded over in a most ominous manner. It hasn't rained yet, so maybe the clothes will be drier when I bring them in than when I set them out.

Bina is spending the afternoon with us. WJ is off to points southeast to be with her mom ("My parent is in worse health than yours! Nyah.") and her impending heart surgery. I guess WJ needs to being doing something, be it listening, reading, knitting - oh no, she can't do that, she doesn't know how - just something to keep her busy. Since she didn't think that getting a good drool on with a gameboy (affectionately known as Brain Sucker in my house), I wanted her to go off with something from me. So I gave her my Farmer's Almanac.

Hey, you in the back - don't snort. I really thought this one through. Well, I mean I gave it more than two minutes thought and since it wasn't related to my calendar in any way, it worked. So maybe WJ will come back and be able to tell us when the moon is with us for bull castration or planting the above ground crops or when the next good fishing day is.

So with WJ gone, I'll have to motivate myself to accomplish something. I don't know if I can do the mending though, since she has the way cool attachment to her quiet Bernina. And cauldron stirring just ain't the same. Hmmm, I may have to impose my goofy self on SGF.

Oh gosh, with mid-winter break looming on the horizon, I may have to *gasp, arg* interact with my squids!

Hurry home WJ. Ya gotta save me from myself!

Don't Say it, Play it!

There is a bizarre form of play going on in the house. Seems it came from the squids and the neighborhood squids playing, but disliking the way things were going. Or maybe some control freak kid. I dunno.

But what happens is they get together, then talk themselves blue in the face directing the action. They never actually get around to playing! They spend all their time talking it. It is getting under my skin!

So this lovely early Sunday morn sees me enacting the Bitchy Mom Law. DON'T SAY IT, PLAY IT!

(Won't the neighborhood kids just freaking love me next time they come over.)

When does Stupid Late become Stupid Early?

LOML spent most of the night working his baseball thang this evening. Misterpher woke up with some congestion that was really ugly and in his throat. Of course, we have no Kali bichromicum to knock it out with. I'll be headed over tot he Super Sups as soon as they open to stock up.

So I guess I got to bed early enough to be awake enough right now to head for the 'puter.

Yesterday was glorious. We woke up, sent the squids to watch some vids, cooked up some bacon, had a huge breakfast, went to Kabloey's game (they lost, but I finally got to watch him play), saw friends whose son was playing a game on the other side of the partition (just like split screen tv!), stopped off at home base to allow the party to split. I took Misterpher and the Girl to the fabric/craft store to pick up more yarn. LOML and Kabloey went to the clubhouse to talk baseball.

Spent $$ at fabric store, but got a lot of stuff on sale. Even got the receipt with the "take our survey" tail on it. Twisted LOML arm - not too much- to meet us at Target Bell for lunch.

Walked over to get a pedicure. I saw an erstwhile cashier from TJ's in the Sally's window. I backtracked and stopped in to chat. She has "changed careers" and is going to beauty school. She has about 200 hours left before she can go on the floor. But shoot, I'll work to keep tabs on her. I'll work to keep tabs on anyone who knows my squids by name and is eager to see them again.

Spent the afternoon getting a pedicure. Didn't bring my knitting, but I did enjoy the ambiance. An 8yo girl was getting dolled up for something. A little boy about 4yo was in queue for a manicure. A tomboy-ish woman was getting her first full set. She had a date Saturday she was dolling up for. Her friend had to drag her in. The nail tech, a guy, said she was too pretty to be mistaken for a tomboy. My lady was new and told me about how she got lost on her way to work her second day out. The wax lady said Wow before she seared my upper lip and then complained about the short hairs on my chin.

What do you want lady? A complate moustache and beard before I get to you?

Got home. Girl saw the nails and wanted some of her own. She has it down pat: pick a couple of colors, set up the diaper on the bed, hold still until one set of nails is done, then wave the done hand until I ask her to hold still. Ever Misterpher came in and wanted some polish. This time it was a translucent opalescent job. The screaming pink colors just don't go over well with him. Understandable.

We had a movie night. Girl asked LOML to sit wiht her. They fell asleep. Went to JITB to pick up dinner. Not the best, but someone else cooked it and the dishes are disposable. The Girl is still asleep. LOML stayed up to a stupid late hour. (The one just before I woke up stupid early.) Finished reading "Salamandastron." Next family read book is "The Art of Raising a Puppy" to get us ready for a new family member.

So the finances are in order, waiting for the tax refund and I'll probably do the dishes before I make another breakfast mess.

Cheerleader Day Care

Called SGF at the last minute asking if she needed me to take her oldest to school today. Her sigh of relief blew my hair back - through the phone. Good to be of use.

I was Misterpher's Show and Tell today. Yeah, it's pretty mushy that the theme was "Something You Love." And yeah, it was late yesterday afternoon when he asked me to go. But I was thrilled that he decided "Something You Love" day was better than "something that starts with an "S" and fits in a sock" day.

So I sat in the corner knitting until called upon. Did my thing, got a hug and giggles, went on my way. Which included wandering about the school grounds until I remember that I had parked the heap a block away so we could walk to school. Yeesh.

Pulled out of VM because I need to let LOML have his time on the stage and my kids need me more. I really want/need to see a Kabloey basketball game, read the kids to sleep and not spend 200 unavailable dollars on a babysitter I don't have.

Now, That Boy and Architect's Daughter are here for the afternoon. Cheerleader-Save-Your-Butt to the rescue.

And today I had to save mine.

Very worth it. Established and acted according to my priorities. Went shopping at TJ's for PB and flowers.

Currently burning lunch.

What I like about My Little Universe

I am becoming better able to set and maintain my boundaries. I have a solid marriage to a man who makes me laugh and who laughs at me. My children are funny, too. Kabloey is willing to cook breakfast on a tense morning. Misterpher still lights up when I work in his classroom. The Girl is just too fucking cute when she squitches up her nose. My friends have boundaries, one-shoulder shrugs, enjoy decorating their kids' lunch bags, accept me and encourage me on my path or growing the hell up.

I like being able to use the loom for knitting. I hope people are ready for hats and scarves in a variety of stitches.

I really like WJ's sewing machine with the free-hand darning foot.

I like being able to tear myself away from teh 'puter long enough to really enjoy my family.

I am glad my head is out of my butt about some stuff. Air's much better out here.

I like enthusiasm, optimism and sunny day goofiness.

I really like getting a tax refund, soaking in a tub, sitting around with friends chatting and eating. And chocolate - good chocolate, dancing to music - even if it is with my kids in feral Tarzan mode.

I like pillow talk and giggles with LOML.

I like finding the good in people, situations and things.

Needed them glasses today

Loverly sunny day in RainyLand. Yep, I get very goofy during the first sunny days. Downright giddy. The squids and others look askance, then shake their heads. Oh well, if I can't dance to the B-52s at a stoplight, I'll switch to Philadelphia Chickens.

Speaking the the PA Chix, Misterpher got his first library card today. But before I tell you about that, let me tell you about this:

Took the squids to school with the understanding that I would meet WJ and toddle off to who-knows-where. I toddled around the school with the Girl in tow, dropping off supplies for Kabloey's class and our "fabulous" new flyers for the co-op and a schedule for Mr H. After the tardy bell rang, I realized I was to meet WJ. As I rushed to an open area, well, rushed as well as I can with the Girl holding on to my shirt tail, I got a call from WJ telling me Bina was ill last night, not going to school, do I want to bring my sewing over to her house?

Sure! She has a cool Bernina and I have a mound of mending. I figured if I could get at least one to five pieces mended, I'd be fine. So, the Girl and I toddled home, I grabbed my mending, some thread, a couple of sewing toys and headed to points south.

The Girl and Bina played dress-up. The Elfinator was clingy. Watching WJ nursing while folding clothes brought back many memories to me.

Then, the sewing machine. A quiet Bernina. OOOooooo, Ahhhhhh. Fixed Girl's rain coat, Misterpher's pants, my jeans and started on LOML's pants. WJ produced her own sewing toy: The darning foot. Whoo-ee! I must say it was so much fun free-hand darning that there are 4 or 5 layers of thread beyond necessary on LOML's inseam. I even wrote my name in darning stitch.

A lovely chat, as usual, with WJ. Including the beginnings of a riff: The Super Powers Store. Seems Bina and the Girl were playing a game in which Bina took away all of Girl's powers. The Girl said, that's ok, I can get more.

Where does one get their super powers? Oh sure, you can go the industial sludge route or having a meterorite dropped on you or being born into the super power thing.

Or you could go to the Super Power Store! That's right, all the powers you need in one convenient store. I can see it now.

Salesperson: Good morning/afternoon/evening. How may I help you?

Customer: Excuse me, I need some super powers. But I'm not quite sure just which one would suit me best.

Salesperson: Hmmm, just what do you want to accomplish with these powers?

Customer: Well, I'm not sure. I'm oscillating between saving the world or getting caught up on my laundry.

Salesperson: I see. Do you think that saving the world would help you with the laundry? Or would catching up help to save the world?

Customer: Gosh, if I could get the laundry done, then I think the world would certainly fall into place. Is that too selfish?

Salesperson: Heavens no. We can accomodate any super power needs.

Customer: Oh good. See my neighbor has X-ray vision and it makes me so nervous just thinking that she can see just how big the laundry pile is getting.

Salesperson: Let's try on Lightning Speed. It is a very popular super power in the young mother set.

Customer: Oh, this is nice. Does it make me look fat?

Salesperson: No, not at all. In fact, you're such a blur, no one could even tell.

Customer: Good point. Hmmm, I don't know. What about Elemental Control? That way I could get water to do the work faster and air to dry it quickly. Then with earth, I could just command it off the clothes. And Fire would just burn the stuff that's too nasty.

Salesperson: Yes. That's true, but as with the elementals, you do need to be aware of anger flare-ups, sneezing and flatulence.

Customer: Really? I wouldn't have thought about that.

Salesperson: Might I interest you in a nice Force Field? To keep the dirt off all together?

Customer: And it would certainly keep the kids out of the bathroom when I need some time alone. Sure, I'll take it.

Salesperson: Please remember to check the instructions for calibration. Sometimes garage doors fly open unexpectedly.

Customer #2: Excuse me, I'd like to return this super power.

Salesperson: Was there anything wrong with it?

Customer #2: Not really. It's just this Strength of a 1,000 Men rised up too much in the back. It's really uncomfortable.

And so on.

So, I get 4 pieces of clothing mended and one comedy bit started and a discomfort issue discussed and resolved. All before noon.

11:30 rolls around and I gotta pry the Girl outta her costume and get Misterpher. After such a fine morning, I treated them to the China Food Buffet. Misterpher also got his book order in, so we took that stack into the restaurant with us.

I read SkippyJon Jones in the Doghouse between plates of food. Defintitely on the bedtime story list tonight.

We headed back home to pick up the library vids and toddled off to the library. Our Favorite Librarians were with head colds, but still interested in what we do. Misterpher watched the aquarium guys clean the tank. The Girl clung to me like a barnacle. OFLs checked out my knitting. We hung out in the corner, just playing "computer" and knitting. I browsed for well displayed books, even took a few minutes to actually look at the shelved books. I refused a couple of baltant consumerist vids and one beat-you-over-the-head-with-xtianity vid.

Then, Blond FL asked when Misterpher will get a library card, seeing as he can write his own name now. We agreed that he could get it today!

And so, after a marvelous chat with another cool librarian who handled the Boy with courtesy, respect and joyous humor, Boy signed his name, smiled nicely for the camera, and now has his first Library card.

I think that deserves a party.

And the first book he checked out - Philadelphia Chickens. Sure we already have it, but it's his first. That counts for a lot.

My New Prescription for Rose Colored Glasses

Once I realized that I was giving my power away to others, I now see that I have lots of work to do. Old patterns to be identified and removed, new patterns to be put into place. People seen in my light. My problems to deal with. I am my first priority.

Talked to someone for the first time in months without the niggling in the background. It was refreshing to be unjudgmental about it all. I have basked in Misterpher's this-close-to-real-reading. The Girl sat in Kabloey's class today while I did the 100 ml dash with fourth graders. She was content with more cheese sticks than a normal body could be.

I am a step ahead on a brochure for the coop. The school wants something to have on hand. I asked SGF to make copies for me. If all goes according to my evil plan, I'll have something for them tomorrow morning. Shit! I have to spend time with the Cult (formerly gleaners). Hmmm, I'll have something for them by Wednesday anyway.

BUT! I am not laboring under someone else's standards. I am working on my own and they are mighty fine, thank you.

Breaking the Spell

Why do I give my power over to anyone else? I have done that repeatedly. Sometimes, I win, like with LOML. Other times, it turns out to be to my detriment. Just because someone is louder, brassier, than anyone else, doesn't make them perfect. The "Up on a Pedestal" syndrome. When UOAP shows their ass in any way, that pedestal crumbles into an embarrassing heap. And in my co-dependent way, I cover for them, try to make amends as if it's my fault, or shut them out completely.

Embarrassment. That's an interesting emotion. For many it's momenetary, they have the aplomb to brush it off and make it look like they meant it. Like a cat hitting the slding glass door. Sneering embarrassment.

Others flush and stammer. Calling more attention to the faux pas than needed. Who won't forgive themselves until they have ingratiated themselves to an annoying degree. Annoying embarrassment.

Why should I take responsibility for another person's travails? Why am I embarrassed that I am ok, that my life is clicking along just fine, thank you. That baby steps toward my goals work perfectly well. Why am I embarrassed to be me?

I made a comment at a retreaat recently, "When I was younger, I was loud and obnoxious." Newly Pierced Nose snorted at me. We are at opposites ends of the spectrum - any spectrum - but I have an appreciation of her that surprised me - due to the fact that I had given my power over to some third party.

But now I think, this power thing - could it be abuse? to abuse one's power, to "chew up and spit" another person out in public? To openly say, "trust me, you're gonna fuck up?"

If I choose to give my power over to someone else, that does assure my failure. If I choose to make some of my own mistakes, to revisit earlier issues from my point of view, if I make MY own choice, then , yes, it is my failure - or success.

Is that what makes you so angry and bitter now?